U.S. — Secret Service has reported that former President Donald Trump sustained only minor injuries in an assassination attempt, leaving the number of dead Presidential candidates at one.
"We can now confirm there is only one dead Presidential candidate," announced Fox News anchor Laura Ingraham. "Praise the Lord that former President Trump is alright."
The nation breathed a sigh of relief upon learning that there was still one remaining Presidential candidate with a pulse. "I'm just so glad one of our leaders is still alive," said local woman Allison Thompson. "It would be such a tragedy to have lost both Presidential candidates."
At publishing time, America had expressed its deep gratitude for its one leader that not only was alive, but was calm enough under literal gunfire to let the nation know he was okay.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
