EARTH — After examining records from every abortion carried out since the dawn of humanity, scientists have confirmed that the number of safe abortions performed still inexplicably remains at zero.
"It's truly astounding," said Dr. Keith Simmons. "Despite decades of trying to make the procedure safer, and hundreds of millions of attempts, every single abortion has somehow resulted in a person dying. Every single time! What are the odds?"
Shocked by the results, progressives desperately tried to change the definition of abortion in order to find a case where an abortion was performed safely. "Instead of the well-understood dichotomy of miscarriage and abortion, we are going to re-define abortion based on what it meant in 1900, which was any loss of pregnancy," said Secretary of HHS Xavier Becerra. "That means we are now calling miscarriages and procedures associated with miscarriage 'abortion', so we can scare women into thinking abortion restrictions will kill them." Mr. Becerra then went and told a woman who just suffered a miscarriage that she really had an abortion and would soon be in prison for the rest of her life.
Unable to re-define abortion, pro-murder obstetricians vowed to move forward in hopes of one day performing the world's first safe abortion. "So maybe the last hundred million straight have ended with a fatality. Who's to say the next one won't finally be the abortion where no one dies?" said abortionist Lucy Ferrazzi. "It's a risk I'm willing to take."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
