CLEVELAND, OH—Local unvaccinated man Chuck Dornley is feeling very left out this holiday season, as all his vaccinated friends have now contracted COVID.
"Maybe I should have just gotten vaccinated," said Dornley. Then I'd have COVID like everyone else and I and my vaccinated friends would have something to talk about. Now I'm all by myself feeling healthy. Such a bummer!"
Dornley said to reporters that he also felt left out several months ago when he got COVID himself, and everyone was calling him a "grandma killer." He hopes that once everything gets back to normal, he can go back to feeling left out for being a Cleveland Browns fan.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.