CHICAGO, IL — An unborn baby immediately began to panic after perceiving that outside the warm safety of her mother's womb, her mother was dancing and singing along at the latest Olivia Rodrigo concert.
"Well, this is loud and annoying," the unborn baby thought to herself at first. "I'm being jostled around here. Why does it sound so crowded out there — Wait a minute… is that "Vampire"? Oh no, oh no, oh no, I am at the Guts World Tour aren't I?"
The terror began to set in as the baby remembered she had heard through the grapevine that Olivia Rodrigo was donating some of the proceeds of her latest concert tour to the National Network of Abortion Funds.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no. Ok, just be cool, baby. Think. Think. Think. How can I get out of here alive?"
The baby thought of a way to escape but soon realized she was entirely dependent on her mom in this situation.
"Why do I always assume the worst? Maybe my mom isn't a horrible monster who would just murder me out of convenience?"
Then the baby could hear someone from the local Abortion Fund handing her mother an information pamphlet on abortion access to low-income women as well as free hats, buttons, and stickers promoting abortion as empowering to women and an absolute human right.
"Crap!" said the helpless baby unable to speak up for herself. "I'm doomed."
At publishing time, the unborn baby had decided death wouldn't be so bad after being forced to listen to 2 hours of Olivia Rodrigo music.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
