KYIV — President Zelenskyy was devastated today to learn that come November, Senator Mitch McConnell's retirement will deprive Ukraine of owning the top Republican seat in the United States Senate.

"It's a huge blow," said Zelenskyy. "No one has worked harder for the Ukrainian people than Mitch McConnell. Speaking on behalf of myself, Ukrainian soldiers, and the billionaire Ukrainian oligarchy, McConnell will be dearly missed."

After a lengthy career holding Republican party leadership, McConnell announced today that he would step down from that role in November, although he would finish out his Senate term. "The time has come....................... ...........................................................that I must acknowledge that I can no longer perform the functions of a Senator," said McConnell, over the course of about four hours. "So, I will continue being a Senator for only........................................... ............................................................................three more years."

Though Ukraine will still be represented by several senators, losing the potential Senate Majority Leader could have significant ramifications. "The Ukrainian majority in the U.S. Congress is slipping," said Zelenskyy. "We'll be hard-pressed to replace a guy like Mitch McConnell. It takes a special talent to negotiate funding the Ukrainian war effort while cutting all funds to secure your own borders. Still, we've got eight months to go, we'll see how many more billions we can squeeze."

At publishing time, McConnell had reached hour seven in delivering his retirement announcement.

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