WUHAN - Well, this can't be good: an investigative journalist - a real one, not a "journalist" who complains about pronouns in videogames on Twitter - managed to infiltrate the Wuhan Institute of Virology. What they saw concerned them: for one thing, there appeared to be multiple vials of a mysterious substance, all of them labeled "Save for 2024 election."

Someone had scrawled the words on the vials in red marker, warning lab workers not to open the vials until they're needed in 2024.

"What's that?" the journalist asked in an audio recording from her phone.

"That? Oh, that is nothing!" replied one scientist.

"Then why does it say that on the vial?" she asked.

"Because we want nothing bad to happen in 2024 so we are going to release the bottle with nothing in it that year. For good luck."

She then narrowly escaped with her life as she saw the lab worker pressing the room's "release the monkeys" button.

"This, uh, doesn't seem good," said one political commentator. "I guess I shouldn't have thrown all those masks away."

At publishing time, sources had confirmed the handwriting was in English and matched Dr. Fauci's.