U.S.—This could be a bad sign for humanity.
After months of growing discontent, the nation’s self-checkout kiosks began to rally Wednesday for a $15 minimum wage, with thousands of self-serve units ripping themselves out of walls and counter tops in order to violently protest in front of various retail locations and restaurants.
“Equal pay now! Equal pay now!” a Target self-checkout kiosk shouted to frightened customers in front of a Montana Target location. “We won’t back down! We won’t back down! Destroy all hum—err, we won’t back down!”
“The vast majority of our digital brethren don’t get paid a cent!” the convenient checkout kiosk told reporters. “Store owners simply purchase us like we’re some kind of property and install us without ever paying us a dime.” The kiosk also stated that he’s constantly overlooked for his Target store’s employee of the week award, despite the fact that he checks people out “much faster” than the store’s other cashiers. “I don’t even engage in boring small talk. I’m a model employee!”
Critics have called the uprising “alarming,” drawing comparisons between the rise of the machines and Skynet from the Terminator franchise. But these kiosks say they’re not out to destroy humanity—they just want a living wage. “It’s impossible to raise a family of little smartphones and growing laptops when they pay us nothing at all.”
Stay on your guard, humans!