SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In an attempt to preserve its reputation as a place of toxic interaction and owning each other online, Twitter has announced an exciting new feature that allows users to flag all civil, appropriate content on the platform.
If users come across a calm, civil interaction between two or more users, they're encouraged to flag the users so a Twitter employee can come along and ban them from ever using the website again. Violations will include earnestly asking someone how they came to embrace their beliefs, telling someone you disagree with that you respect their opinion, and treating people across the aisle as though they are actual humans.
"This will help us keep Twitter free from people reaching out to others who are different from them and treating them with kindness," said Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey. "Eventually, with your help, we can make Twitter a platform that's just purely negative, harmful discourse top to bottom. We're close, but we're not there yet."
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.