U.S. — Sources report Tucker Carlson has obtained 40,000 hours of never-before-seen footage of President Joe Biden falling down the stairs on Air Force One.
"Hahahaha," said Mr. Carlson, as he began reviewing footage to release to the public. "Hahahahaahahahahaha!"
Though a few videos have previously circulated of President Biden losing his long-running battle with stairs, Speaker Kevin McCarthy said security cameras have captured several thousand more hours of Biden's tumbles. "They were actually stuck on the tarmac for five hours in Poland as Biden plunged down the stairs dozens of times," said Mr. McCarthy. "I know Democrats are angry about our releasing this footage, but their narrative of Biden having a 'mostly peaceful' relationship with stairs just isn't true. The American people deserve to see for themselves."
Doctors who viewed the footage report that President Biden has likely accumulated several hundred concussions from his repeated nosedives. "He might not even have dementia," said local neurologist Dr. Kelly Meachem. "It could just be the hundreds upon hundreds of concussions he has sustained falling down flights of stairs. I'm surprised the man can even form sentences. Well, I guess he can't form sentences, but he does get close sometimes - which is sort of impressive."
At publishing time, President Biden had spent twenty-four hours straight falling down a shopping mall escalator.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: