U.S. — Despite controversies surrounding tariffs and the defunding of dozens of large government departments, a new poll showed President Donald Trump's popularity skyrocketed after he announced the deportation of all cyclists.
The president made the historic announcement during an impromptu press briefing in the Oval Office, with even reporters who have normally been his most staunch critics applauding the eradication of all cyclists as a significant step forward for the country.
"This is the dawning of a better, brighter America," Trump told the media. "For far too long, we have suffered the effects of cyclists invading our great streets. Those days are now over. I have ordered the full might of the federal government to be directed toward the deportation of all cyclists. We have no choice. We must rid our country of these people. You ever get stuck behind one of them on the road? It's terrible."
Administration officials confirmed that thousands of cyclists had already been apprehended by law enforcement agencies across the country, with millions more expected to follow. "This is a president who keeps his promises," said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. "When he campaigned on making America great again, he was serious. Washing our cities clean of the plague of cyclists is a big part of that pledge."
At publishing time, minor controversy had arisen over the White House's official social media account posting a video of dozens of cyclists being forced to ride up the loading ramp of a C1-30 military aircraft bound for El Salvador.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
