CHICAGO, IL — In an astonishing miracle that theologians said was a herald of God's blessing upon Chicago's own Pope Leo XIV, an image of the Virgin Mary appeared in the Chicago Bean.
"Look, the face of Our Lady! It's beautiful!" was heard by several bystanders over Chicago's natural ambience of automatic gunfire. "Mamma Mia! The Mother of God herself!"
According to reports, thousands had already lined up along East Randolph Street to stand before the great Bean and witness the mystical sign from the Queen of Heaven. "Maybe if I, like, kiss it or something, I'll get time off purgatory," said one of the faithful to reporters while standing in line. "That's how that works, right?"
Newly elected Pope Leo XIV responded by officially certifying the event as a miracle. He then said something fancy that no one understood because it was in Latin.
At publishing time, Lou Malnati's had informed the media of another miracle, as the face of the Blessed Virgin had appeared in a 12-inch deep-dish with extra cheese.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
