WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reports circulated today that President-Elect Donald Trump was worried that large numbers of corrupt government officials would start quitting before he would have the opportunity to tell them, "You're fired."
Sources indicated that one of the things Trump had been looking forward to most in his return to the White House was having the opportunity to personally say "You're fired" to record numbers of career bureaucrats and underperforming government employees, an experience that would be denied him if they all quit before January 20, 2025.
"It's my catchphrase," Trump reportedly said wistfully with his head in his hands.
According to insiders, federal workers were panicking in light of Trump's election victory and threatened to resign en masse before he had the chance to clean house upon being inaugurated.
"He can't drain the swamp if the swamp drains itself," witnesses overheard Special Counsel Jack Smith saying. "4D checkmate, Trump."
Sources close to Trump report that rumors of Smith's sudden resignation triggered the president-elect. "I was going to say the thing. I was going to say it, and they're taking it from me," Trump reportedly said.
In response, the Trump transition team distributed a memo encouraging federal employees not to resign before Trump could fire them. However, it is not expected to work, as experts argued having people wait around to be fired has rarely been successful.
At publishing time, President-Elect Trump had issued a statement on his Truth Social account stating that any federal employee who was caught quitting their job would be immediately fired.
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