U.S. — Trump gained another 12 points in the polls today after he announced that his first act as President would be to legalize hitting bicyclists with your car.
"Yes, that's right, folks, when I take my rightful place as America's favorite President once again, everyone will be allowed to run over those bad, terrible people who wear tight shorts and ride in the middle of the road when you're trying to pass by in your limousine," said Trump in a recent speech. "The roads were made for big, beautiful automobiles and gorgeous, gorgeous, American-made cars, not for losers who ride bicycles like they're better than me. I say run 'em over!"
Sources say the crowd cheered wildly in approval of the campaign promise.
Critics were quick to say this was just one of many warning signs suggesting that Trump will be a fascist dictator. "Our worst fears have been realized," said CNN's Jake Tapper. "Bicyclists like me are the highest and most noble of God's creatures, and Trump wants to murder us all. He must be stopped!"
At publishing time, campaign surrogates also confirmed that Trump will legalize boinking people in the eyes if they talk about being on a carnivore diet.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
