U.S.—After weeks of speculation Yosemite Sam has finally thrown his 11-gallon hat into the ring. Although four states have already cast their ballots, the fiery prospector believes there is still plenty of time to make a strong run at the Republican nomination.
“Great horny toads, this country deserves a strong leader! And I ain’t no namby-pamby,” Mr. Sam announced at yesterday’s high noon press conference. “I hates them politicians in Washington. That’s why I be running for President.”
While many question whether Sam has the national ground game to run an effective campaign, his entrance into the race has already dealt a serious blow to the GOP frontrunner. According to a new Monmouth poll, Trump’s support has dropped to single digits in Florida, Ohio, and in most of the Super Tuesday states.
“I’ve definitely been a Trump guy,” explained Mike McDougal of Lubbock, Texas, “but he’s just not angry enough. Yosemite Sam has the mix of blinding rage and incoherent passion that I’ve been looking for.”
In the 24 hours since Sam entered the race, Trump has appeared flatfooted, unsure of how to overcome the popularity of the outlaw’s colorful personality and harsh anti-rabbit rhetoric. The gunslinger has been conducting a literal shoot-first, answer-questions-later campaign, with seven fatalities reported already from Sam rallies.
Shelly Johnson isn’t bothered.
“I don’t care what he believes or how many times he fires his two revolvers into the crowd,” the mother of four from Lima, Ohio relayed. “He tells it like it is. He can turn this country around.”
Trump’s only response so far has been to question Sam’s eligibility to be President. When asked whether he was born in Mexico, the self-proclaimed “roughest, toughest, he-man stuffest hombre to ever cross the Rio Grande” simply shrugged off the question, shouting as loud as possible, “When I say whoa, I mean whoa!”