PHILADELPHIA, PA — President Donald Trump proudly announced on Friday that he had repaired the crack on the Liberty Bell, outraging millions of Americans.
Ahead of America's 250th anniversary, Trump set his mind to restoring America to its greater glory — to "Make America Great Again," as he says — but he may have gone too far this time by fixing the crack on the Liberty Bell, a damaged artifact that has stood as a symbol for American liberty since the 1840s.
"Fixing the Liberty Bell is like erasing liberty itself," warned historian Andrew Carbyle. "It no longer stands as a testament to how our pursuit of liberty endures in the face of adversity."
The president disagreed.
"It rings now," the president said. "It goes bing bong, bing bong! It's great. Can you believe it? Ding! Ding! Ding! Everyone loves bells. I don't know why they left it broken for so long. That's the way the Democrats do things. They just leave things in a state of disrepair. It's sad. I'm the only president who could fix it."
Many Americans across the country were reportedly infuriated with Trump over what may be his most drastic faux pas. "I always wanted to see the Liberty Bell, but now it's just some dumb normal bell," lamented Tyler Norridan, a New York native. "How dare he?"
Despite the widespread outrage, the White House maintained that America's semiquincentennial would be better than ever now that the Liberty Bell's famous inscription, "Proclaim Liberty Throughout All the Land Unto All the Inhabitants Thereof," rings true.
At publishing time, Trump had reportedly planned to feature the Liberty Bell prominently during the nation's coming celebrations, and may even use it to start and stop the upcoming UFC matches on the White House lawn.
Every hour a racist loses hope, will you help the Southern Poverty Law Center to help a racist in need?
