WEST PALM BEACH, FL — The Trump campaign announced Monday that the former president had begun preparing for his upcoming debate with Joe Biden by visiting nursing homes and arguing with dementia patients.
"George, you're wrong about lime JELL-O. Nobody likes it," Trump said as he argued with a 94-year-old dementia patient who claims to be constantly observed by Russian spies. "It doesn't taste good! Everyone's telling me all the time how much they hate it and you're telling me they should serve it every day? On DAY ONE I will ban lime JELL-O."
"And Mexico will pay for it!"
Elderly onlookers applauded as Trump slammed the dementia patient after suddenly picking a fight with him during dessert time.
"It's like he's saying what we're all thinking," said Constance Woodrow, a 78-year-old Alzheimer's patient.
In another instance, Trump screamed at a WWII veteran until he started crying.
"Greatest generation? More like lamest generation," Trump quipped, invoking laughs from orderlies. "You complain about loud music when people — good people — are trying to listen to jazz. You make me sick, to tell you the truth."
"But thank you for your service."
In this, and many such cases, a crowd of old folks erupted in cheers for Trump as he blasted one dementia patient after another.
Trump's debate prep is a distinct departure from previous campaign years when he spent time studying government policy and took part in mock debates against former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
"I spent all my time arguing against a fat man about bridges or something," Trump said, reflecting on past debate missteps. "It didn't prepare me at all. Biden is thin and he hates bridges!"
Sources close to the Biden campaign confirm the president is concerned about this new development leading up to Thursday's debate.
"Oh no, my ice cream," Biden reportedly whispered as his wife led him away.
At publishing time, sources confirm that if Trump fails to win the presidency he will be welcome at Shady Oaks Assisted Living.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
