MAR-A-LAGO — Former President Donald Trump teased today that he will be dropping a devastating new nickname for Nikki Haley come February 15th.
"I am going to totally crush this Nikki Haley woman - just as soon as I figure out who she is," said President Trump. "Hey, that might be the nickname right there - 'Nikki Who'. But seriously, can someone tell me who she is?"
Trump's big announcement came on the heels of Ms. Haley declaring on local radio her intent to officially launch a bid for President on February 15th. While dozens of people hailed the announcement, most of the excitement has centered around Mr. Trump's forthcoming nickname. "Oh yeah, I'm glad Haley's in the running," said local woman Ashley Vargas. "It will give us a chance to see if Trump's still got his nickname game. Frankly, 'DeSanctimonious' is pretty stupid, so this will be a real test to see what Trump has left in the tank."
According to anonymous sources, President Trump has privately admitted doubts about his DeSantis nickname. "Maybe it wasn't my best, ok?" said an irritated Trump. "So I asked my staff if anyone else didn't like it, and I fired anyone who said yes. Now, everyone loves it! Now leave me alone, I've got work to do on this mysterious 'Nikki' lady!"
Sources confirmed final nickname contenders include:
- Icky Haley
- Nasty Nikki
- Nicki Hacky
- Nervous Nikki
- Amb-ASS-ador Haley
- Horse-Face Haley
- Handicapped Haley
- No-good Nikki
- Little Nicky
- NeoCon Nicky
- Tricky Nikki
- No-Chance Nikki
- No-Votes Nikki
- Haliburton Haley
At publishing time, sources say Mr. Trump remained adamant that he never appointed Nikki Haley as ambassador to the U.N. and wishes someone would be kind enough to tell him who the heck she is.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.