NEW YORK, NY—In the wake of a damning video which surfaced Friday in which Donald Trump lewdly brags about pursuing sex with a married woman and engaging in forceful groping, among other things, sources confirmed that he met with various prominent Evangelical supporters, including Jerry Falwell, Jr. and James Dobson, and agreed to double their monthly bribe payments if they would continue to defend him and publicly support his campaign for president.
“You’re making it nearly impossible to keep up this facade, Donald—I mean, wow,” a distraught Falwell, Jr. is said to have remarked during the brief meeting while hanging his head in shame.
“How can we possibly defend this one? Do you have any idea what Christians around the world are saying about us?” Dobson reportedly said. “I can’t blame them, honestly.”
“By the time this is over we will have absolutely no credibility—you better make this worth our while,” he added.
Before smoothing them out with the lucrative new terms, Trump reminded them that they “knew exactly what they were signing up for” when they originally endorsed and that they were “in too deep now anyways,” reportedly calling the video “no big deal” and assuring them it would “blow right over.”
“Now get out there and compare me to some people in the Bible who did bad things,” he said.
At publishing time, Trump was making preparations to triple their money after the next damning testimony surfaces sometime in the coming weeks.