WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to an anonymous White House source, a U.S. military strike on Iran had been delayed until President Donald Trump could consult with Whoopi Goldberg.
As was customary, all important political, national security, and foreign policy decisions were put on hold, pending review by the longtime comedian and co-host of ABC's The View.
"My hands are tied until she gives the green light," Trump reportedly told an advisor. "I give her a lot of guff, but that's only because I respect her so much. You know, we both worked on The Little Rascals movie together. That's not a bond that disappears overnight. She was Buckwheat's mom. That makes her knowledgeable about planning military strikes."
According to insiders, Trump had been watching The View every day, listening intently for insight on the geopolitics of Iran. "Speak, you beautiful women, speak!" he was caught shouting at the TV on one such occasion. "Tell me what we should do."
With Trump reportedly hesitant to attack Iran until getting the go-ahead from the Oscar winner, the world continued to sit on pins and needles waiting for an attack of which only Goldberg knows the day or the hour.
White House staff revealed that all important decisions required approval from one or more Hollywood celebrities. "It's standard procedure," one insider said. "Everyone knows celebrities are the authority on all things."
At publishing time, President Trump had taken an urgent phone call with Joy Behar to discuss wartime strategy.
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