SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER — The exploration of other strange, new worlds and the seeking out of new life and new civilizations hit an unexpected snag this week, as Starfleet's newest vessel was reportedly unable to reach warp speed because the crew was too fat.
According to sources on board the ship, the USS Athena was unable to embark on its mission to respond to a mysterious energy pulse believed to be emanating from the Gamma Quadrant because, as the vessel's engineers later determined, the crew was too fat for the warp drive to be able to compensate. Captain Nahla Ake demanded an explanation from one of the ship's helmsmen.
"There's just too heavy a load," said Ensign Zhyran Vira. "I've been in communication with engineering since the issue arose, but they said there's nothing they can do. There's just too much weight onboard for the vessel to reach warp speed. I'm afraid we're stuck here until some of the tubbies can drop a few, captain."
Shortly after its launch, the Athena was unable to reach even the baseline level of Warp 1, leading to confusion and frustration on the bridge. "I was afraid this would happen once I got a look at the lardos they forced on me," Captain Ake was heard saying as the ship's warp drives were reported to be making audible groans under the stress. "And don't get me started on our medical officer, Dr. Leona ‘Big Bones' McCoy over there."
At publishing time, Starfleet was said to be addressing the problem by jettisoning all of the vessel's plus-sized crewmembers into space.
AI won't take these jobs!
