WASHINGTON, D.C.—An emergency team of elite IT staff were called in late Sunday night to fix a broken caps lock key at the White House.
IT director Bradley Owens was flown in to lead the team.
Over 200 staff crowded into the Oval Office around 1:30 am for a quick briefing with President Trump, who claimed the issue with his caps lock button had started around 11:40 when he was sending a tweet to the President of Iran. Trump had been advised by his staff many times that using all caps in any official presidential communication was extremely unpresidential and unprofessional. Trump had agreed not to tweet in all caps and had posted a large sign above his main desk that read “THEY DON’T LIKE ALL CAPS” to remind himself of the rule.
When the all-caps tweet went out on Sunday night, Trump immediately alerted his staff that his computer had malfunctioned and was “very, very glitchy. It definitely has a virus. A great big virus. The biggest in history. Total disaster!” Trump claimed all of his devices were typing in all caps and he had no choice but to send the tweet out in a fully-capitalized state.
The IT squad went through all of the computers, iPads, phones and any other device capable of sending a tweet, taking them apart, deleting and reinstalling all of the operating systems, programs, and backing up all files onto secure drives. The entire procedure went on until late Sunday morning. “We didn’t technically find any issue on any of the devices and have never heard of a computer virus that specifically attacks caps lock functionality, but if there was one, it’s gone now,” said Owens after sending out a test email from all of the devices.
Trump thanked the team but told the press he wasn’t confident the issue had been resolved. “Listen, people want to mess with me. I’m very important. I’ve got FBI agents climbing out of my walls at all hours of the night, little lipstick cameras coming out of the vents in my bathroom. It’s sick. It’s really sick. They want to mess with me and I’m not making any accusations but I wouldn’t put it past them to come in and mess with my caps lock settings. It’s very childish.” When asked how likely it was that another incident might occur, Trump said, “With these immature clowns? Likely. Highly likely.”