BETHESDA, MD—A nurse working at Walter Reed Medical Center checked in on Trump but was shocked to discover his room was empty. She looked out the window, and sure enough, he had tied bedsheets together and escaped.
Just then, the nurse noticed a cup of Diet Coke left by the bedside began to ripple and shake. "Oh, no," she murmured. "Not again!" Looking out the window, she saw a speck on the horizon. A rapidly growing speck. It was Trump, gloriously flying by in an F-22 fighter jet.
"Sorry, Pence -- but it's time to buzz the tower!" Trump radioed to his wingman, who flashed him a smile and a thumbs-up. He flew by the hospital and waved to his cheering supporters.
"America!" the president cried as he flew by the ecstatic crowd, though they couldn't hear him over the roar of the fighter jet's engines. "I feel the need -- the need for speed!"
Media condemned the move, saying Trump could very well have spread COVID to every person on the planet with his little stunt, though he was all alone in a tiny cockpit far above the ground.