MAR-A-LAGO — Former President Trump has kicked off his 2024 campaign by attacking fellow Republican Ron DeSantis, blaming the Florida governor for not firing Dr. Fauci and for pushing a poorly-tested vaccine on the entire nation.
"Can you believe Ron DeSantis picked that joker Anthony Fauci to lead the pandemic response? What an idiot!" said President Trump. "And remember how they had to hospitalize DeSantis at Walter Reed when he had COVID because his oxygen got too low? Such a weakling!"
In addition to blaming DeSantis for the failings of Dr. Fauci, Trump also took the governor to task for rushing a vaccine through development with the federal government's Operation Warp Speed. "Now they're finding out this vaccine has all these terrible side effects, and it's all because of Ron DeSantis," said Mr. Trump. "Might as well call the disease 'myocarDeSantis'! Ha! What a total failure. Sad!"
Thus far, the DeSantis camp has yet to issue any direct response to Trump's attacks. "Yeah, we're just as confused as y'all are," said DeSantis' communications director Christina Pushaw. "We always liked Trump, so it's honestly kind of sad to see his mind start to go. I know dementia isn't supposed to be contagious, but D.C. sure makes it seem that way."
Governor DeSantis himself could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy winning.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: