WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has revealed his plan to seize Australia, cash in its two-troop continent bonus each turn, wait for the other armies to deplete each other, and then launch an invasion of Asia.
Trump stated that with only one point of entry in and out of Australia, the continent was set up ideally for amassing an army while avoiding early losses.
"First Australia, then the world," said Trump. "We're going to win bigly, believe me. It's the perfect balance, Australia. You're cashing in that bonus, which I love, I love bonuses, they're incredible deals. You're steadily getting all these troops, so it's hard for anyone to come take you out, but not getting troops so rapidly that anyone feels threatened. I'll save my cards to trade in at the perfect moment, and I always choose the perfect moment. It's going to be so beautiful."
According to souces, staffers at the Pentagon have attempted to explain to President Trump that taking over Australia will not actually result in a two-troop bonus, but to no avail. "They're idiots, those people, they have no idea what they're talking about, frankly," said Trump. "I've conquered Australia many times, hundreds of times, probably. Every time, I got two troops per turn for owning the continent. It's guaranteed, so long as you hold Australia. I love guarantees, they're hard to find these days, did you ever notice that?"
At publishing time, Trump had ordered the military to amass on the little connection that goes from Alaska to Kamchatka.
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