WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced the details of a historic trade deal with Japan on Wednesday through which he has finally acquired a giant anime sword.
"Look at this sword, isn't it great?" Trump said at a presser in which the deal was announced. "It's bigger than my entire body. I could stab the whole world with this thing, believe me."
The giant anime sword, reportedly inspired by Cloud's Buster Sword from Final Fantasy VII, is reportedly 7 feet long and 3 feet wide. Its hilt, made from the bones of Emperor Hirohito, is engraved the image of a snarling dragon with Trump hair and wrapped in leather using a samurai technique called Tsukamaki.
According to Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, Japan was willing to drop all tariffs and completely open their market to the U.S. but Trump turned it all down for a giant anime sword.
"Lots of people are talking about the sword," Trump continued. "It's huge. Wow! They say it's the hugest sword in the world and I'm the only one that can lift it. It's true. I'm the only one. That's what the Japanese told me."
The media has criticized the deal, calling it anything but a fair trade. "We lowered all our tariffs against Japan in exchange for a sword only Trump can wield," said Ben Shapiro. "I have been consistent from the beginning. Trump's obsession with trade deficit is nonsense. But it's not as nonsensical as a giant anime sword."
FOX News' Sean Hannity, however, broke ranks with other political pundits, saying the sword looked really cool. "I can't wait to see Trump stab a robot," he said.
At publishing time, President Trump expressed disappointment with Japan after discovering that his giant anime sword couldn't perform a powerful energy blast.
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