WASHINTGON, D.C. — In the wake of yesterday's Supreme Court rulings, President Trump has announced a $1 trillion initiative to clone Justice Clarence Thomas.
According to administration officials, the ambitious program will produce thousands of Clarence Thomas clones to be strategically deployed throughout the federal government. Some Clarence Thomases would sit on lower courts, others would teach constitutional law, and a select few would simply spend their days silently glaring at congressional hearings.
"We're going to have Clarences everywhere, believe me," Trump said. "One wasn't nearly enough. We're going to start with four Clarences to get rid of all the lady judges, and then work from there. Frankly, we should have done this years ago. Did you know they have cloned sheep? They spent all this money making another sheep named 'Dolly' when we could have been making more Clarences. What a waste on that dumb sheep."
Democrats quickly denounced the proposal as an existential threat to democracy, warning that even a dozen Clarence Thomases could be devastating to their agenda. "No! Not more black men on the Supreme Court!" cried local liberal Denise Barlow. "One Clarence Thomas is all that we can handle."
At publishing time, Trump had informed Chief Justice John Roberts that he is now considered a lady judge and would be the first one to be replaced by Clarence 2.0.
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