WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another surprising decision that divided public opinion, the United States Supreme Court ruled that invading Xenomorphs who hatch on Earth are officially citizens of Earth.
In the controversial 6-3 ruling, Chief Justice John Roberts and associate justices Amy Coney Barrett and Brett Kavanaugh sided with the court's liberal judges to confirm that Xenomorphs that hatch from their ovamorph pods on this planet are entitled to full rights and privileges of Earth's native citizens.
"They have every right to attach themselves to your faces," Roberts wrote strongly in the majority opinion. "To deny the Xenomorphs these basic rights is to deny our own humanity. In order to uphold and protect a strong human society on Earth, we must make that society as vulnerable as possible to complete annihilation at the hands of these invaders. It's the right and moral thing to do to offer protection to these vicious monsters who seek to use all of us as incubators for their young before violently dismembering us and making us extinct."
President Donald Trump immediately condemned the ruling. "I would like to congratulate the Xenomorphs and their entire hive on their massive hatchright citizenship WIN!" he posted to Truth Social after the decision was announced. When asked by reporters to comment on the ruling, Trump expressed displeasure. "It's terrible," he said. "Have you seen these things? They have acid for blood, can you believe that? Acid for blood. They stick out their tongues, and their tongues have mouths with teeth. Horrible stuff, folks. I'm going to call on Congress to deal with them through legislation before we all have facehuggers attached to us."
At publishing time, half of the United States Congress had already been impregnated by Xenomorphs.
A friendly PSA on how to defend yourself from the explosive diarrhea parasite experts say may be found in fresh produce.
