U.S. — Turning Point USA has announced that they will be hosting the "All-American Olympics" which will feature Kid Rock competing in every single Olympic sport.
Fans disgusted by the anti-American rhetoric of current Olympic athletes will instead be able to watch as Kid Rock takes on figure skating, cross-country skiing, and the halfpipe.
"It's going to be legendary," said TPUSA official Bradly Morgan. "Instead of watching smarmy, privileged athletes trash the U.S.A., get excited for unbridled patriotism as Kid Rock takes the ice to nail a double axel. Lee Brice will also be teaming up with Kid Rock for the two-man luge and bobsled. You won't want to miss it."
According to event organizers, Kid Rock will participate in all sixteen Winter Olympic sports, after which he will receive a gold medal in every event as the National Anthem plays. "America will win gold in every single event, just as it should be," said Morgan. "No other countries will be allowed to participate. Just Kid Rock, and a few other America-loving musicians for the team events. We just signed Dolly Parton for mixed curling. The fans are going to love this."
At publishing time, Kid Rock had posted a time of 174 hours, 33 minutes for his cross-country skiing time trial.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
