DENVER, CO — Denver Mayor Mike Johnston has just announced his plan to address the recent increase in sexual assaults across the city with by hunting down and deporting all of the female joggers.
According to the mayor, deporting all women joggers from the city should drastically decrease the number of rapes and assaults in the city committed by Venezuelan gang members and illegal immigrants.
"We vow to deport every single female jogger who is tempting people to assault them" Johnston told reporters. "Our police are working around the clock to ensure our streets are safe from these women in leggings. No more joggers, no more crime. You're welcome, Denver."
Several Denver residents have spoken out against the planned deportations, but they were also quickly deported.
The ordinance comes several weeks after Johnston's attempt to cut down on sexual assaults by forcing all women to only run on treadmills at home, which proved ultimately ineffective as Denver is actually pretty nice outside if you're not being assaulted.
At publishing time, Johnston had announced a new measure to crack down on retail theft by closing every single store in the city.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!