PERSIAN GULF — Clutching their pens and calculators tightly, thousands of accountants boarded Higgins boats this morning in preparation for the launch of "Economic D-Day" against Iran.
Several of the men made their last, final update to their actuarial tables as the boats departed for the shores of Darak Beach.
"Men, some of you aren't coming back from this," said Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent as the accountants stared grimly across the water. "We do not know what Excel spreadsheets the enemy has prepared for us. Everything you have done to prepare, every page of The Accounting Game you studied, it all comes down to this. Failure is not an option. There must be a comprehensive review of the nation's accounts payable. Good luck and Godspeed."
An eerie silence descended over the waters, broken only by the occasional whirr of someone sharpening a No. 2 pencil. Then, all at once, the silence was broken.
"GO! GO! GO!" shouted commanders as the landing ramps dropped. "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! SECURE THOSE RECEIPTS!"
Chaos immediately ensued, with screams echoing across the beach as the accountants went to work. "Sir! They're mixing capital expenditures with operating expenses!" screamed one accountant frantically. "We have to retreat!"
At publishing time, a group of CPAs had managed to establish a beachhead where they were desperately working to identify several depreciation errors by Iran's Ministry of the Interior.
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