A U.S. congresswoman once said that on 9/11 "some people did some things." One of the things they did was make air travel infinitely more frustrating and complicated for everyone else. To this day, many travelers are left confused and unsure about how to navigate TSA security at the airport.
The Babylon Bee is here to make your travel season easier by providing you with the following definitive guide to getting through TSA security:
- ALWAYS take your laptop out of your bag: It's very important for you to remove your laptop. REMOVE YOUR LAPTOP, SIR!
- DON'T take your laptop out of your bag: What are you doing you drooling moron?! We're not taking laptops out today! STOP HOLDING UP THE LINE!
- Take your shoes off: That one guy tried to blow up a plane one time, so now all shoes must be checked forever.
- STOP! LEAVE YOUR SHOES ON!: Why are you taking your shoes off? Duh! Put them back on YOU FOOL.
- Wait on the little floor mat until you are motioned to enter the scanner: Wait here. Don't move. It's very important that you wait on the little floor mat, sir. Stay there.
- HURRY UP! Get in the scanner! GO!: What are you waiting for? Are you retarded?
- Remove your belt: Metal detectors have not advanced enough to know whether or not your belt buckle is dangerous or not.
- Good grief, LEAVE YOUR BELT ON!: What's the point of taking your belt off? You're making everyone nervous here. STOP IT.
- All items must be placed in individual plastic bins on the conveyor: No exceptions. Shoes, backpacks, phones, wallets, chewing gum, sunglasses, Sizzler gift cards… everything goes in a plastic bin. NOW.
- Not everything has to go in a plastic bin: What anarchist would put their backpack in a plastic bin? Are you some type of mental defective? Are you even allowed to travel by yourself, you imbecile?
- Don't abandon any of your items: Let the airline staff lose track of your bags for you.
- Just relax and stop paying so much attention to your bags: You look like a weirdo and you're making the TSA agents suspicious. Why do you have to be so dumb?
- Don't worry, the scanner will protect your privacy: We value privacy here at the TSA.
- Always remember that there are several people laughing at the scan of your naked body in a back room somewhere: It's only to keep you safe.
There you have it — a simple, foolproof guide for making it through TSA security without any hiccups. By following the steps above, you'll make it to your gate in no time, or you'll be detained for several days in a secret room at the airport by Homeland Security. One or the other.
NOT SATIRE: What nonprofits are doing good work? And which ones actually match my values?
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