If you've been to church lately, you have probably noticed that the so-called "order of worship" really serves as more of a vague set of suggestions. Here, we present to you a more realistic order of worship, in all its glory:
- 9:00 - Church service begins
- 9:07 - Church service actually begins
- 9:08 - Junior pastor repeats everything that was already written in the bulletin
- 9:10 - Greet your neighbor!
- 9:12 - Expertly-timed arrival of introverts
- 9:13 - Opening song "Good, Good Father"
- 9:33 - "Good, Good Father" mercifully comes to a close
- 9:34 - Hendersons finally show up
- 9:35 - Worship leader announces next song is an original
- 9:40 - Congregation removes earplugs
- 9:40 - Pastor leads prayer while praise band disappears into the ether
- 9:41 - Pastor begins weekly brawl with lapel mic
- 9:43 - Untangled from lapel mic, Pastor nails opening joke
- 9:44 - Mrs. Allen begins unwrapping hard candy
- 9:45 - Sound guy finally remembers to flip the slide from "Good, Good Father"
- 9:46 - Lapel mic crashes. Sound guy awkwardly speed walks to front with hand-held mic, sermon resumes
- 9:50 - Mrs. Allen finishes unwrapping hard candy
- 9:55 - Sermon wraps up with closing prayer, praise band rematerializes from the ether
- 9:56 - Offering baskets passed to collect money from any Dave Ramsey disciples who still carry cash
- 9:59 - Helicopter moms leave to retrieve kids from nursery
- 10:00 - Closing song begins. Sound guy realizes backup singer never had her mic turned on. Decides it was for the best
- 10:05 - Introverts take to flight
- 10:06 - Service ends!
Now go take our handy order of worship to church, and see if it isn't more accurate than your bulletin!
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.