All this Left vs. Right stuff can be confusing for the uninitiated. Who's right? And who's left? Do you even politics, bro?
The Bee is here for you, with a primer that explains our country's two political parties in great detail, with unprecedented historical accuracy, and with unparalleled impartial reporting. Prepare yourself to get KNOWLEDGED:
DEFINITIONS
Democrats: A left-leaning political party full of bleeding-heart pansies who are all high on the devil's lettuce.
Republicans: A right-leaning political party packed with rednecks who love guns and God, in that order.
ORIGINS
Democrats: The Democratic party was founded as the dying wish of Karl Marx in 1883, who wanted to infiltrate the once God-fearing nation with his evil Communist ideas. With the help of dark, mystical incantations and the full forces of the armies of hell, he succeeded in establishing a Commie foothold in the U.S., and the Democratic party was born.
Republicans: The Republicans can trace their origins all the way back to one fateful day in 1987 on which President Ronald Reagan reclined on the Oval Office sofa to watch the revered Chuck Norris film The Delta Force on VHS. Touched by Norris' patriotic mowing down of scores of evil Lebanese terrorists, Reagan declared the birth of a new party: the Republicans.
POLICY POSITIONS
Democrats: Gun control, abortion, big government. Against war when a Republican is in office, gung-ho war hawks when a Democrat is in office.
Republicans: Second Amendment, pro-life, 1% smaller government than Democrats prefer. Always for war.
FAMOUS ADHERENTS
Democrats: Beelzebub, Cthulhu, Azathoth, Jafar, Judas Iscariot, Joseph Stalin.
Republicans: Adolf Hitler, Chuck freakin' Norris, Kanye West (we think).
PROMINENT WORKS
Democrats: The West Wing, CNN, The Communist Manifesto.
Republicans: Fine cultural achievements like Roseanne and Last Man Standing.
HOW TO SPOT A DEVOTEE
Democrats: "I'm With Her" T-shirt, Barack Obama "Hope" tattoo on lower back, copy of The God Delusion tucked under arm.
Republicans: Profile picture depicting Caucasian Jesus wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat.
There are no third political options: you have to cast in with one of the two establishment parties, as the good Lord intended. Pick a party, join up, and start slinging mud at the other side, just like Jesus taught!
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