Excitement for tonight's presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden has already reached a fever pitch, and The Babylon Bee is here to cover it all — and tell you what will happen.
Years of battle-hardened journalistic expertise and election coverage have yielded the following list of totally accurate predictions for tonight's debate to give you a heads-up of things to watch for:
Biden will go the full 90 minutes without blinking: Meaning he'll be completely dialed in and not under the influence of any chemical substances whatsoever.
Trump will make up 13 new nicknames for Biden throughout the evening: Biden will respond by reciting the 13 new indictments for Trump that his team has made up in the last week.
Biden will utter the phrase "convicted felon" at least 384 times: It may not always be intelligible, but he'll say it.
FBI agents authorized to use deadly force will raid Trump's podium midway through the debate: Somebody said that Trump has been storing classified documents next to a spare putter in the podium he'll be using.
Biden will respond to a question by asking Obama to please stand up and be recognized: He'll be pointing to a random black man in the crowd, of course, but it's the sentiment that counts.
Trump will pull out a straw and shoot spitballs at Biden during his turn to speak: CNN may mute Trump's microphone, but the rules don't stipulate anything about spitballs.
Biden's aides will administer Narcan a minimum of six times: A specialized team has been training for weeks to get fast enough to finish giving the president Narcan during any cutaways to the moderators.
Moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash will be thorns in Trump's side all night: Literally, they'll be sticking pins into the side of their Donald Trump voodoo doll.
Biden's body double will accidentally respond to his real name — Fred: After the debate, the White House will simply explain that Fred's presence was, in fact, a right-wing conspiracy.
Two elderly men will spend 90 minutes screaming at each other: This one's a lock.
Take the list above to the bank. If any of the items listed above don't happen, then you KNOW the entire debate was just a deepfake.
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