MILWAUKEE, WI — Sources close to local man James Birkowitz confirmed earlier today that the Wisconsin native did, in fact, choose to go on an early-morning run in order to start his day as miserably as possible.
Family members said Birkowitz woke up "disgustingly early" at 5:00 A.M. in an extraordinarily chipper mood before he came up with the ill-conceived plan of completely ruining the rest of his day by voluntarily putting himself through a run.
"I don't know… it seemed like a good idea at the time," Birkowitz admitted when asked for comment. "But somewhere around a quarter-mile in, I realized that I'd completely forgotten a water bottle… and that I was wearing sneakers instead of running shoes... and that I actually hate running and everything it involves. I tried to stay strong, but absolutely lost it when I got about two miles out from home and realized that it was too late to turn back. By the time I managed to drag myself home, I was sweaty, completely out of sorts, and totally ready for a nap, but I had to go to work. Now my day is horrible, and it's all my fault. Thanks a lot, me."
Sources close to the Birkowitz household confirmed that James semi-regularly indulges in the ritual ruining of his day with a morning run, usually in three-month increments when he's forgotten how bad the last time was.
At publishing time, Birkowitz was seen heading off to the local CrossFit gym, seemingly having forgotten how grumpy and sore he was for three days after he tried it last time.
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