With all of the debate raging over the Department of Government Efficiency requiring all federal employees to respond to an email with a list of things they did during the week, everyone has been left to wonder… what exactly did all of them do last week?
Thanks to high-ranking connections, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of some of the things that responding government employees said they accomplished last week:
Responded to this email: Following directions is a top priority.
Hid in the janitor's closet from the DOGE guys: Sometimes it's best just to be honest.
Completed a game of Minesweeper on the highest difficulty: This type of genius should always have a job in the federal government.
Proofread a new series of instructional transsexual comic books for Guatemalan children: Changing the world is a tough job, but someone has to do it.
Walked around the national park to make sure all of the trees were still there: Continual vigilance is the key.
Spied on a few homeschool families: America's enemies must be watched closely.
Counted all of the paper clips in the drawer: Everyone has a responsibility to minimize waste.
Recorded 12 TikTok dances: Creating a lasting legacy with your work is important.
Processed a scathing indictment of an 87-year-old grandmother who prayed outside an abortion clinic: Federal employees do truly heroic work.
Made a comprehensive list of all things done every day: Unfortunately, the last thing done was deleting the list.
It was clearly a busy week. Every government employee obviously fills a vital and indispensable role in the daily lives of everyday Americans. What other things do you think were on the list? Throw them in the comments below.
A journalist from The Atlantic spills all after being mistakenly added to a group chat with top Trump officials.
