Brought to you by: Holoson
While everyone can agree that guns are awesome (and if you don't think so, you're probably gay), it can be difficult to determine which gun is right for any given scenario.
The manly gun experts at the Babylon Bee are here to help you know exactly which gun you need for each job:
General home defense: M1 Garand. Enjoy the sweet sounds of storming Omaha Beach right in your living room.
Deer hunting: Bazooka.
Attracting the ladies: Guns don't work here; you'll need an oversized anime sword.
Political debates: A Marin le Bourgeoys flintlock pistol. Should be accurate up to 10 paces.
Scaring away daughter's suitors: Trusty Remington 870 12-gauge. Simply rack the pump-action and watch those pencil-neck dweebs scurry away.
Dealing with bounty hunters sent by Jabba the Hutt to collect a price on your head: BlasTech DL-44. It works best if you're the one who shoots first.
Seeing your bros from across the room: Finger guns.
Fighting off fanatical alien zealots who are trying to trigger a superweapon that will destroy all sentient life in the galaxy: Trusty MA5B assault rifle and a coupla sticky grenades.
Driving cattle through yonder pass before the Comanches arrive: A classic lever-action rifle.
Looking like a tool at the range: A tactical lever-action rifle.
5th-grade sleepover: Nerf Elite Titan CS-50. Revel in the mournful cries of your enemies as they fall in a hail of foam bullets.
Road rage: Glock 19. Must be held sideways.
Fending off a mob of commie ANTIFA soy boys: No gun needed, just misgender them.
Simply follow the guidelines listed above to find the ideal weapon for each task. What other guns are perfectly suited for specific uses? Post them in the comments below.
NOT SATIRE: Introducing the ARO and ARO EVO: Holosun's Next-Generation Red Dot Optics for 2025
Holosun's 2025 ARO and ARO EVO red dot optics set a new standard for performance and versatility. The ARO (Advanced Rifle Optic) builds on the 403 and 503 series with a 22mm housing, Shake Awake™ Technology, 50,000-hour battery life, and IP67-rated water and dust resistance. It offers a 2 MOA dot or Multi-Reticle System™ (MRS) with Red, Green, or Gold illumination options for any lighting condition.
The ARO EVO takes it further with a 26mm housing for a larger sight picture and the Special Purpose Reticle (SPR), combining a 2 MOA dot, circle, and bullet drop compensation for intermediate-range precision. Featuring Solar Failsafe™ and IPX8 waterproof and dustproof rating, plus 8 daylight and 4 night vision brightness settings, it's designed for reliability in any environment. Ready to elevate your shooting experience?
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