ARLINGTON, TX — Despite facing ongoing criticism for being the only remaining Major League Baseball team to not hold a Pride Night, the Texas Rangers announced the club would double down by celebrating a "No Homo Night" at the ballpark.
Whereas all other MLB teams scheduled special nights to cater to celebrating LGBTQ lifestyles, the Rangers instead decided to institute "No Homo Night," which will include overtly heterosexual hotdogs, no physical touching between male fans other than aggressive high-fives, and a strict ban on any Dallas Cowboys clothing.
"It's going to be a sweet time at the ballpark. No homo," said Rangers General Manager Chris Young. "We want everyone who comes out to the stadium for that game to be assured that all affection among the players and fans will be strictly platonic in nature. We've even decided to have the players abstain from slapping each other's behinds for this game."
Rangers leadership also took special care to instruct all parking lot attendants to turn away anyone attempting to arrive at the stadium driving Subaru SUVs.
LGBTQ activists did not take kindly to the team's announcement. "Stop oppressing us!" shouted one social media user who was only wearing purple leather chaps in his profile photo. "How are we supposed to feel seen and celebrated when only a measly 29 out of 30 MLB teams have a Pride Night? You bigots!"
At publishing time, all tickets for "No Homo Night" had sold out, with many fans expressing relief that they could take their kids to the game without fear of having to explain why people would wear Dallas Cowboys gear.
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