ATLANTA, GA — In a shocking turn of events, CNN revealed that presidential candidate Donald Trump tested positive for Diet Coke in a drug test administered before tonight's debate against Joe Biden.
The doctor CNN hired to run tests on Trump and Biden revealed that Trump's Blood Coca-Cola Content (BCCC) levels were hovering around 0.10%, an indication that the former president had probably ingested somewhere in the neighborhood of 3.5 liters of Diet Coke in the 24 hours leading up to the test.
"This amount of Diet Coke would kill an average person," said Dr. James Klug. "The first warning sign was that he was highly alert, completely in control of himself, and very, very sharp-witted. We're talking, super feisty here. He must have rattled off at least forty-five different nicknames for President Biden just while we were with him to provide a sample. We ran the test, and sure enough, Mr. Trump's levels of Diet Coke were higher than a kite. It's shocking to see the lengths to which these candidates will go to obtain an edge."
CNN published an article detailing Trump's alleged Diet Coke addiction and demanded that he wear a placard reading "[Diet] Coke Addict" during the debate. The Trump campaign protested this demand and requested that CNN just replace the bottle of water on Trump's podium with a bottle of Diet Coke instead.
At publishing time, CNN decided to call everything even after President Biden tested positive for a far less-legal type of coke.
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