HOUSTON, TX — After a second whistleblower revealed evidence of Texas Children's Hospital illegally performing sex-change procedures on young kids, hospital CEO "Pennywise" has issued a statement denying all wrongdoing.
"We are guilty of nothing except providing excellent, affirming healthcare for children. And, of course, handing out red balloons," said Pennywise, covered in blood and still clutching a balloon. "This is the face of innocence."
Texas Children's Hospital has come under scrutiny as reports surfaced of doctors mutilating children despite the Texas legislature repeatedly declaring child mutilation illegal. "Mutilate? No! We simply take the fears of children about their bodies, and we feed on -- excuse me, we treat them," said Pennywise, smiling. "And we keep on treating and feeding until they are all gone. Completely annihilated. That's the Texas Children's Hospital difference."
According to local pediatricians speaking anonymously, the CEO of Texas Children's appears to be an evil alien spirit that lures children in and murders them. "I honestly don't know how Pennywise could make it any more obvious," said a local physician. "He's a terrifying, murderous clown who hangs out in the sewer. That really should be your first clue something bad is happening at Texas Children's Hospital. It's pretty straightforward."
At publishing time, sources reported that Pennywise had moved the Texas Children's gender clinic down into the sewer to keep it running in secret.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
