TEXAS — Bubba "Boomstick" Johnson, a proud Texan and self-proclaimed protector of all things Lone Star, has declared that he's been waiting for this moment his entire life: the opportunity to finally dust off his arsenal and defend Texas if a civil war or invasion ever breaks out.
For years, Bubba has meticulously curated his collection of firearms, affectionately referring to them as his "freedom dispensers." From his trusty six-shooters to his state-of-the-art assault rifles, Bubba's arsenal rivals that of a small militia - or at least a moderately armed neighborhood watch.
"Oh Lord, how blessed am I," said Bubba with a tear in his eye upon reading the news that Texas Governor Abbott intends to defend the Texas border no matter what. "And they tried to tell me that I was wasting my money on this here Gatlin gun, stockpile of C4 explosives, and fully functioning civil war cannon. Who's the dummy now, libs?"
Friends and neighbors say that Bubba has been practicing his "I told you so" speech for years, convinced that the imminent Texas invasion was just around the corner.
"I've been oiling these babies up and practicing my quick draw since I was knee-high to a rattlesnake," Bubba proudly proclaimed, his ten-gallon hat casting a shadow over his weathered face. "Anyone who wants to mess with Texas has to come through me first!"
"Yessir, I've been training for this moment my whole life," Bubba declared, his voice echoing across the empty plains. "If a civil war ever breaks out, you can bet your boots I'll be the first one out there, guns blazing and flags flying!"
At publishing time, Bubba was spotted constructing a makeshift fort made entirely out of barbecue grills, Lone Star beer cans, and of course, razor wire.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
