NEW YORK, NY — Halloween revelers were shocked this week after a new haunted house that had gained strong notoriety for featuring human bodies being ripped limb from limb turned out to simply be a Planned Parenthood clinic.
"Totally not what we thought it was," said haunted house aficionado Cliff Martin. "We heard there was this medical-themed haunted house that had really horrific scenes that would scar your psyche and hang like a dark cloud over your soul for the rest of your life, so we came to check it out."
"What we discovered was worse. Way worse."
Sources say even the most desensitized visitors find themselves changed forever after witnessing the reality of what goes on in Planned Parenthood clinics. "We frequently entertain ourselves by enjoying theatrical depictions of violence and bodily dismemberment," Martin said. "This is just a whole different level. This is real, and it's really disgusting."
A spokesperson for the clinic said there is nothing to be up in arms about. "It's no big deal, people," said Clinic Director Karla Jenkins. "All we do is dismember human babies with saws, clamps, knives, and vacuums, and then sell their body parts to the highest bidder. Is that bad or something?"
At publishing time, Martin and his friends were still trying to shake the horrifying images they now had seared into their minds while questioning how any organization founded by humans could be so inhuman.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
