WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an embarrassing gaffe, several members of the United States Secret Service spent over four hours protecting what turned out to just be a Halloween butler decoration in the entryway of the White House.
"Ah, crap. We could've sworn it was POTUS," said Captain Cody Callow, one of the agents left red-faced after the realization they had been guarding a mannequin of a creepy butler purchased from Walmart. "In my defense, it's not the first time this has happened. Speaking of which, has anyone seen POTUS?"
Eyewitnesses say two agents had remained alertly at their post for several hours before it dawned on them that they'd only been standing in front of an uncanny likeness of the President. "Code red, code red! Has anyone seen the President?" said Callow into his radio. "I have lost contact with the President."
Sources say Biden was eventually found in the kitchen getting into the pots and pans cabinet again.
At publishing time, First Lady Jill Biden had ordered a large "NOT POTUS" sign to be taped to the front of the butler decoration.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
