PORTLAND — Unhinged terror has cast its evil shadow upon the quaint northern Portland neighborhood of Portsmouth in response to reports that several locals dressed up as a stable, happy, middle-class family.
"I get it. People love to be scary and provocative on Halloween — but this is a bit much!" said concerned neighbor Charlene Jannifer, herself dressed as a queer transgender steampunk witch. "Like, no one wants to see that when they walk through the neighborhood. It's disturbing."
The Swarnson family, who moved into the neighborhood just a month ago, are reportedly confused by the strong reaction to their appearance.
"These aren't costumes," explained John Swarnson, the family's self-identified patriarch. "We're just a normal family. We don't even celebrate Halloween."
According to sources, neighbors are absolutely convinced that the Swarnson family's insistence that they aren't in costume is itself part of the costume--an elaborate form of method acting to help them stay immersed in the terrifying characters.
Whatever the case, Portsmouth residents agree that the Swarnson family needs to tone it down a bit. "Look, I love Halloween. I dress up as queer transgender steampunk Michael Myers every year and pass out organic peyote to the kids. It's great," reflected Dana Kilstrom, a self-identified man. "But this? This is a hill too far, let me tell you."
At publishing time, authorities had been called to the neighborhood to investigate several troubling reports of the completely normal family dressed in church clothes and climbing into a minivan.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
