NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani tearfully admitted in a recorded statement that he does not, in fact, have any legal authority to invade Poland.
Mamdani assured New Yorkers that he had explored every legal avenue possible for raising an army and launching a blitzkrieg attack against the Poles, but sadly came up empty.
"It's a huge bummer," sighed Mamdani. "Apparently, I do not have the legal power to conquer foreign nations, which was a centerpiece of my campaign. I know this comes as a big disappointment to my supporters, but my hands are tied. Trust me, no one wants to invade Poland and deliver a final solution to the Jewish problem more than me. If I had known that mayors couldn't launch armed invasions, I wouldn't have even run in the first place."
Legal experts had reportedly warned Mamdani during the campaign that he would not actually be able to launch a ground invasion in Eastern Europe, but Mamdani refused to heed their warnings. "Mamdani wouldn't listen. He kept insisting that he could figure it out, and if not, his mom would help," said law professor Eric Jones. "I know how badly Mamdani wants this, but New York legal code is quite clear. The Mayor simply does not have the authority to start a war, even if it is to ostensibly 'give Poland back to the Poles.'"
At publishing time, Mamdani had also announced that he had looked through the laws and sadly, he also is not allowed to go around the city beating Jews with sticks.
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