DALLAS, TX — According to reports, terrified Texans have taken up arms to fire on a strange white substance falling from the sky.

"I don't understand it and I don't intend to!" said local Dallas resident Billy Carson as he fired a pair of six-shooters into the sky. "You'll never get us alive! We'll fight to the last man! Yee haw!"

Governor Greg Abbott issued a statement in which he asked Texas residents to remain calm as they sort out the strange new threat. "We don't know if it's an attack from outer space or some sort of falling ice," the governor said. "It's too soon to tell, but it's clear beyond a reasonable doubt that our way of life will be forever changed."

"Make peace with God; death is falling from the sky."

The white substance, which northern Texans call "snow" has been linked to a series of vandalism cases in which water pipes have burst and electric lines have snapped under the weight of so-called "ice."

At publishing time, millions of Dallas residents were buried alive under two inches of "cold white stuff."

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.