OAKLAND, CA — The 51-year-old frontman of a punk rock band this week was horrified after he suddenly realized that he was the 51-year-old frontman of a punk rock band.
The realization came Tuesday morning as the man got out of bed and looked in the mirror, waves of existential horror washing over him as he was forced to face the fact that he was both over 50 years old and also the lead singer and guitarist of a punk rock band.
"Wait a second… oh my gosh… look at me!" he exclaimed, clawing at his face, his eyes widening with dread. "I'm a grown man! What in the world am I wearing? Why on earth is my hair done like this? Is that eyeliner?! What are these on my feet? Are these… Converse?! What... what have I become..."
"So that's why everyone keeps laughing at me at Whole Foods," he muttered, disgusted with himself. "I kept telling myself they were laughing with me, but they just think I'm a total dweeb. And look at me — they're right! God help me, they're right!"
The man's friends and family helped him check himself into a local country club for treatment.
At publishing time, the man had started a whole new life after getting a decent haircut, buying a pair of New Balances and a nice polo shirt, and landing himself a sensible job at H&R Block.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
