With the Iowa Republican Caucus in full swing, it's time for us to confront our deepest, darkest fear: Donald Trump may actually get re-elected in November. As painful as it may be to face that fact, this reality means there are things liberals may need to think about buying up and hoarding.
The Babylon Bee is here to help with the following helpful list of things you should stockpile in case Trump takes the White House and kills democracy AGAIN:
- "Gun-Free Zone" signs: To scare off the roving gangs of MAGA voters.
- Bricks: For throwing through the windows of a local small business. For democracy.
- Books that say "gay": You need to build up a stash before Trump burns them all.
- Freeze-dried mail-in ballots: You'll need them to take back our democracy in 2028.
- Every episode of Brian Stelter's Reliable Sources on DVD: There's no way those will be available for purchase in Trump's fascist America.
- Masks & COVID tests: To provide you with peace of mind while in your bunker.
- Emergency puberty blockers: In case you or a loved one ever need to trans a kid.
- Kleenex: To use as you mourn the loss of our precious democracy. And while watching your Brian Stelter DVDs.
- Pictures of Trump: To stare at hatefully every day.
Go! Get out there, hit every store you can find, and get all of this stuff while you still can!
NOT SATIRE: THEY'RE HIDING SOMETHING. SOMETHING BIG.
Alternative news sources are on the rise. New, against-the-grain reporting networks and media platforms are popping up left and right. Why? Because traditional media is crumbling. Their credibility is shot. But the receipts are coming. Their coverup stories will only distract for so long.
And Americans are sick of being kept in the dark.
You may have known the truth all along. You may be waking up just now. Wherever you fall, you're running out of time to prepare. You need to start now, before something catastrophic strikes.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.