U.S. - Teachers who have been enjoying the extended time off due to COVID concerns are eager for it to continue. Desperate to avoid returning to the classroom in the fall while still getting paid for it, teachers have come together to launch an "Every Child Left Behind" movement.

Citing concerns of possible exposure to the virus, teachers have expressed that they will not be returning until their safety can be guaranteed. They also do not want to be bothered by teaching online, either. "We don't want some kids falling behind and other, more privileged kids learning online." said Director of Education Susan Birchfield, "No! We say all kids should have their education equally hindered." 

"My greatest joy in life is teaching my wonderful, little angels, but if I can not go to work and still get paid then see ya later, snot-nosed brats!" said 2019 teacher of the year Kathy Frazzelbum as she floated by in her pool tube while sipping a piña colada.

"Kids have their entire lives to learn. It's not like these are formative years that could leave their education stunted and trailing behind the rest of the world," explained teacher's union founder Trish McDonald.

Teachers across the nation expressed their utmost thanks to the taxpayers and assured them that this was money well spent. "I am much more productive as a teacher thanks to the Every Child Left Behind movement. Now I can go run errands as I please and instead of grading papers I can binge Netflix!"

At publishing time, the teacher's union was planning a series of strikes to continue the Every Child Left Behind movement until a cure for all sickness and death was found.