Survey Finds 100% Of Americans Will Continue To Wear Masks In Walmart Bathrooms
Health · May 20, 2021 ·

U.S. - In a rare picture of bipartisanship, Americans from both sides of the aisle say they will continue to wear masks while in the Walmart bathroom.

100% of Democrats and 100% of Republicans both said they would continue wearing the masks whenever they are forced through some cruel twist of fate to enter the Walmart bathroom, no matter what their position on masking is outside the restrooms at America's favorite superstore.

"Usually, we find that positions on masking are split roughly along partisan lines," said Dr. Shelby Prior, head of mask research at UC Davis. "But the incredible thing here is that virtually every American in the entire country said they agree the masks are still needed in the Walmart bathroom, pandemic or no pandemic."

The vast majority of those surveyed said they wished they had known about masks before the COVID-19 pandemic, with one man saying he will "never again venture into that place of darkness and death without a protective face covering." Another woman surveyed while exiting the Walmart bathroom simply stared off into the void as though she had seen things -- horrible things. "It is necessary, for the peace and safety of mankind, that some of earth's dark, dead corners and unplumbed depths be let alone..." she murmured. Finally, her shrieks were reduced to one mindless repetition as she shook in mad terror: "Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!" 

At publishing times, the nation's libertarians had clarified that they would camp out in the Walmart bathroom all day not wearing a mask just to be contrarians.

Babylon Bee subscriber Namey McModerator contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

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